What is Grief Awareness Day?

Grief is sometimes defined as the intense emotional pain affiliated with loss, most commonly the loss of a loved one. It is a natural response to any significant loss (such as death, divorce, job or career loss) and can involve a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. It affects everyone at some point in our lives. We can often overlook the complexity of grief and be unprepared for its impact.

“Grief is very individual,” said HFC counselor Amy Ducklow. “No two people experience it in the same way – degree, length, symptoms, and so on. It's very personal.”

While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement is the state of having experienced the loss of a loved one, while grief is the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual response to that loss. In essence, bereavement is the external circumstance of loss, while grief is the internal experience of coping with that loss.

You may experience waves of intense and very difficult emotions, ranging from profound sadness, emptiness, and despair to shock, numbness, guilt, anger, or regret. You might be angry at the circumstances of your loved one’s death. This anger can be aimed at yourself, doctors, the deceased, other loved ones, or God. You may even find it difficult to accept that your loved one is really gone, or you might struggle to see how you can ever move on from your loss.

Bereavement is not limited to emotional responses. It can trigger adverse physical reactions, including weight and appetite changes, difficulty sleeping, aches and pains, and an impaired immune system that could to illness and other health problems.

There is no one “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. If you have experienced a significant loss, you will understand the grieving process can feel like a roller coaster ride, with ups and downs, twists and turns, which eventually, usually lead to the track leveling out.

“Grief is lifelong and changes with time, but it's always there,” explained Ducklow. “There will be ebbs and flows. Then grief will pop up somewhere out of the blue. Self-care and remembering the loved one will help your healing along the way. Creating meaningful traditions or carrying on traditions once enjoyed with the deceased can be another step toward healing. This may need to be done with the support of others. Grief is not something one ‘gets through’ or ‘gets over’.”

In 1969, psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote the book, On Death and Dying. In the book, she breaks down her theory of Five Stages of Grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Author and public speaker David Kessler, who co-authored several books with Kübler-Ross, added a sixth stage in 2016: Meaning.

These stages are one framework for understanding the emotional responses to loss, and they do not always occur in a linear or predictable pattern.

“I believe Dr. Kübler-Ross discovered common symptoms and feelings and created a logical process for grieving. People may not experience all of the stages, and certainly not in that specific order. It's very personal,” said Ducklow. “A difficult truth about grief is that it will be lifelong. It changes with time but is always part of your story, part of who you are. It's complicated. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve and no perfect way to receive support.”

When someone suffers the loss of a loved one, it can be awkward and uncomfortable to consider what to say to them. Even though your intentions may be good, you might inadvertently say something hurtful or unhelpful.

In the article, “What to Say When Someone Dies – and 10 Things Not to Say”, author Liz Steelman interviewed grief experts who offered advice on what to say to someone who is grieving, and what not to say. We often tiptoe around addressing the person’s loss, or say nothing at all.

Ducklow agreed with Steelman’s article. She offered some insights:

• Do not say, “I know how you feel.” That can come across as inauthentic, because everyone experiences grief differently.
• Do not say, “The pain will heal with time.” The personal nature of grief means its trajectory is not predictable. Telling someone they will heal might seem dismissive of the pain they are feeling.
• Do not say, “They’re in a better place.” This kind of statement can minimize their pain, and also imposes a belief system that might be uncomfortable or foreign.
• Do not ask about the cause or circumstances of the death. Let them choose whether to reveal and discuss those details.

What matters is they lost someone important to them, and you are there to support them however you can.

“Let them know you care,” said Ducklow. “It may be a phone call, a text, stopping by, making a meal, and so on. Sometimes, it is just sitting with someone and not talking at all. This can help them feel they are not alone. It depends on the relationship you have with the grieving person. Respect personal boundaries, but don't avoid a person because you feel you don't know what to say. Everyone wants to be cared for. If you are genuinely listening, thoughtful and caring, you'll do fine.”

After suffering a loss, it can be helpful to talk about feelings of grief and cry. These are two of many ways to process grief. They can support the healing process, as opposed to suppressing sadness or uncomfortable feelings. This is a very personal decision, and it's different for everyone.

Grieving is a lifelong process. Especially in the early stages of grieving a loss, you should establish a support network, engage in regular self-care and integrate routines, old and new, into your daily activities at a pace that is comfortable for you. If your struggles are prolonged or uncomfortably disruptive, such as issues affecting your mental or physical health, early interventions can reduce the impact and improve the outcome.

It is possible to grieve in ways that are not healthy for you. Consider reaching our for help if you are:

• Having feelings of debilitating emotional pain or having difficulty focusing on anything other than your loss.
• Feeling persistent symptoms of distress, such as ongoing crying, insomnia, loss of appetite, increased irritability, or panic attacks.
• Struggling to complete everyday tasks, including basic self-care.
• Frequently avoiding situations that remind you of your loss.
• Engaging in substance abuse or engaging in addictive behaviors or self-harming behaviors such as substance abuse.
• Withdrawing from normal social interactions.
• Feeling a lack of support from family or friends, or feeling unable to sustain the support you need over a lengthy grieving process.
• Experiencing multiple losses in a short period of time.
• Feeling you are at risk of hurting someone.
• Feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.
• Feeling intrusive thoughts about the circumstances of the loss.

If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs, you should consider seeking professional help right away to ensure well-being and to explore healthy coping strategies that can help your healing process.

“If you are grieving you need to give yourself the space to grieve, seek support when struggling, and not keep yourself so busy that you avoid feeling grief,” said Ducklow. “Your grief will inevitably surface at the most inopportune time. You can reach out to the Counseling Center for support and referrals for grief counseling. Help is out there. You don’t have to face it alone.”

Getting help during times of grief can be very healthy and helpful.

• Contact the Counseling Center at 313-845-9611 or counseling@hfcc.edu.
• The New Hope Center for Grief Support in Northville offers hope, healing, and new beginnings to those who have suffered a loss. Contact 248-348-0115 or griefhelp@newhopecenter.net.
• Angela Hospice in Livonia offers individual and group grief counseling. The Hospice has a program for adults and children that focuses on coping with grief during the holiday season, which usually begins in November. Call 734-464-7810 or email patientaccesscenter@angelahospice.us.
• For urgent needs, call 988. The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services Help and Chat Line is available 24/7/365.